Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
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Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster