[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
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[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*