I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
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Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Message from the dog groomers
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.