I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
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FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?