I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
You Might Also Like
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
sugar glider wrangler
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
My wedding will be open casket.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there