Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
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Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
This rocks
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof