My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
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Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees