*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
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i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
britain’s three elite institutions
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.