Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
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The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
just having fun
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared