One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
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My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
sugar glider wrangler
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.