When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
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#BatmanvSuperman
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men