When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
You Might Also Like
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
greetings!
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .