What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
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Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.