If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
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You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.