Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
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The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
My therapist after every session
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.