After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
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My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
i think we should see other cousins
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.