My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
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There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
The news is so predictable nowadays
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me: