Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
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*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”