A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?![]()
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It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
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Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now