A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
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Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here