A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
You Might Also Like
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
That’s what I call a flat tire
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
me: IN AZKABAN
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*a solitary gunshot*
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this