Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
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The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
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People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.