What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
You Might Also Like
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Ugh
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.