Diabetes was the God of sugar.
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Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
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Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.