Diabetes was the God of sugar.
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I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”