Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
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Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Netflix and scream at our children?!
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.