Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
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Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”