I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
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The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.