Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
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“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Icarus loved hot wings.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
[eulogy]
line?
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for