Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
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Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
I need to update my racial profile.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb