Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
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I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Great acting.. 😂
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.