On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
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No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
“I took care of your clown problem.”
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.