Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
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Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
The Backseat Boys
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.