When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
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My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet