Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
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Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??