When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
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“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Does your wife know you’re single?