M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
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Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
How wrong was this guy?
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Pot warmers of the day.
Oh yeah that’s it
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?