I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
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your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.