*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
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*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
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A roof is a house hat.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.