*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
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My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
#SCOTUS one-star review
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off