Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
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Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.