You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
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Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?