If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
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This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
What do you hear?
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*