I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
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WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
one last job
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
OH. COME. ON.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.