Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
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Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.