someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
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ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
What the hell happened in there??
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
👾👾👾