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*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
This kid is a star!
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”