Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
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Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.