Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
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*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
[eulogy]
line?
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.