A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
You Might Also Like
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”