*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
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SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check