*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
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The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.