Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”

me: “yea”

Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most

Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”

What the world needs now is

a. love

b. sweet love

c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”

Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*

Co-worker:

Aw man, but that’s the best part

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do

Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you

Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.

Pick it up.

when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.