Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
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A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings