[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
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My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
These 3D printers are insane!
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today