@PaperWash

[death row]

Guard: alright tough guy one last meal

Me: a cyanide pill

Guard: what? no we want to kill you!

Me: too bad

Guard: aw man

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@DreamExplosive

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.

@holypurgatory

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

@Reverend_Scott

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

@hyperblastchic

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born

@Marlebean

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

@RealSamHarwood

A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”

@Book_Krazy

I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”

@Rollmaninoz

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

@StansaidAirport

The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.