Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
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Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?