You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
You Might Also Like
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Those are good neighbors.