Those are good neighbors.
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Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
The funk soul brother
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind