Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
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carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”